


"Earth's Mightiest Heroes" .... (Oh Boy...)

by Lsusanna



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Artist Steve, Bruce is a lil' shit and nothing will convince me otherwise, Coulson does not need this crap, F/M, FRIENDSHIP IS SCIENCE, Fluff, General Ross is not a good person, HE IS DEAD TO ME #spits#, HE WILL NOT BE IN THESE FICS, Humor, I TOOK OFF SITWELL'S TAG BECAUSE HE IS EVIL, IF YOU WILL NOTICE, Proof that Tony Stark has a heart, SHIELD recruits are abused, Science Bros, Some angst, genderbent, neither does Fury, nothing but fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:17:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lsusanna/pseuds/Lsusanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers are not badass. They are dorks. Here is the proof.</p><p> The PR department tries, it really does.  Coulson is not amused, he never is. Clint’s puppy eyes don’t (always) cut it. Fury thinks the team is a bad influence on his agents, he is very disappointed in them.</p><p>or</p><p>A sometimes-genderbent series of short, fluffy, stand-alone ficlets featuring our favorite Super Secret Boy Band and Co.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am picturing Clair Barton as Olivia Wilde, and Alexi Romanov as Maxwell Zagorski

Characters: Genderbent Natasha Romanov, Genderbent Clint Barton, Phil Coulson  
Summary: Clair and Alexi after a mission.

****

“Alright… I think we have everything under control here, get yourselves down to the Medical team. You did a good job here.” Coulson said. He looked to his agents, who wordlessly nodded their thanks. The adrenaline rush provided by the intensity of combat seemed to have been the only thing holding them together; now, hours later, Barton looked dazed, and Romanov looked exhausted, but holding up. Coulson knew he probably shouldn’t ask, as the answer would only bolster the suspicion he had that they were both inhuman, but he was curious.

“Exactly how long have you two been up?”

“One hundred and forty six hours and….thirty nine minutes.” Came Romanov’s response, Barton lethargically nodding in agreement.

Coulson sighed, “Okay, just have Medical check you out, then go to the jet and get some sleep.”

The operatives nodded again, and shuffled out of the room.

****

Alexi pulled a whining Clair by the hand, trying to guide her to the ground floor of the Moldovan townhouse.

“I don’t need Medical, I’m fiiine.” Clair whined, doing a fantastic impression of a four-year-old who skipped her nap-time.

“Yes you do, you’re bleeding.”

“Well, then I need stitches.”

“Medical does the stitches, Clair.”

“….. I don’t wanna go to Medical.”

They had made it to the stairwell, and were now staggering like a pair of drunks coming out of a bar.

“Mmmmph…I can’t feel my feet. I’m tired. I don’t wanna go.”

“You need to.”

“No, you neem Dedical.” Clair snapped, pouting.

Alexi stopped and looked down at her, confused. “What?”

Clair took a moment to respond, just as lost as her partner, “I don’t remember…. Carry me.”

“I can’t carry you, Clair, you’re too heavy. Stop leaning on me.”

“Mean.”

They managed a few more steps, before Clair’s legs gave out. She fell into Alexi; who, unable to support her weight as well as his, went down with her. They landed in a heap on the first landing. Clair settled herself more comfortably on the stairs, her head in Alexi’s lap. They sat in silence for a few minutes, lethargically processing the world around them. Eventually, the quiet was broken by Clair,

“You’re warm.” She mumbled, snuggling closer to her partner.

“Mmm.” Alexi groaned in response, letting his head rest on the wall to his right, hitting the concrete with a dull thunk.

The two SHIELD agents fell quiet once again, languidly staring into space, hovering somewhere between wakefulness and sleep.

Alexi suddenly sat up straight, confusion clouding his eyes, “Where are we?”

Clair thought for a moment, brow furrowed in concentration. “…Canada?”

“No.”

“Feel like I we’re Canada…in.”

“No… Europe, somewhere, maybe.”

Clair suddenly started giggling uncontrollably. “What?” Alexi asked, settling back against the wall.

“I was thinking now just, Oreo Pizza. So weird is, but really want one.”

“Okay…”

****  
Coulson walked towards the stairs, intending to follow the rout his agents were most likely to have taken to the Medical team. He had received a call that Barton and Romanov had never arrived. He made it to the stairs, and stopped. The two operatives were slumped on the first landing, silently staring into space. Romanov spoke suddenly,

“…..We need to be somewhere…I think.”

“Mmmh. Kayo.”

“M’kay… On the count of three we go. 1…2…….3.” Neither agent moved an inch. Coulson couldn’t help but let loose a small smile.

“Lex?”

“Huh?”

“…M’tired.”

“Then sleep.”

“I can’t.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Well, thn how come aren’t sleeping you?”

“…That makes sense.”

Coulson chuckled quietly, walking towards the agents under his care. He would take them to Medical and have them sedated.  
They had both been awake for the past six days, committing morally ambiguous acts, and yet, the only thing that came to mind was sleepy puppies.


	2. Chapter 2

Characters: Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner  
Summary: Steve is an Artist, through and through.

Bruce sighed, shaking his head at the flour that lay spread all over the floor. He had been trying to make cookies; he found the process calming, even if they didn’t usually taste that great. Bruce sighed again as he made his way out of the Tower’s communal kitchen, intending to find the vacuum to clean up the thick layer of flour covering the floor.

When Bruce returned, he found Steve standing in the kitchen, a glass of water in his hand. The Captain was tracing an intricate pattern in the flour with his toe, apparently not caring about the white powder staining his sock. Bruce backed away, not wanting to disturb him. Steve seemed intent on his task; head cocked to one side, brow furrowed in concentration. Bruce put down the vacuum and leaned against the wall, watching. He had seen Steve sketching on a few occasions, but had never seen any of his work. Steve was actually quite good.

**** 

By the time Tony wandered into the kitchen, Steve had finished his design, and was putting the finishing touches on the flour, by dipping the tips of his fingers into the glass of water and letting the drops fall onto specific locations on the design. Bruce led Tony a little ways away, so as not to disturb the Captain. 

“What’s the Capsicle doing in the kitchen?” Tony asked, wiping the oil of his hands.

“He’s doing art…I didn’t want to bother him.”

“Huh… So I can’t go into the kitchen? I need sustenance, Bruce, I haven’t eaten since last night, and the pizza is calling.”

“What happened to those Sustenance Capsules you made?”

“They, uh, didn’t have the desired effect.”

“So you were still hungry?” Bruce asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, but, yeah, y’know, I don’t want to talk about it.” Tony said, gesticulating dismissively, “Anyway, why does Steve drawing in flour mean I have to starve?”

“Well, he just seemed so focused… And, I also thought it was looking cool, and wanted to see how it was going to turn out.” Bruce admitted, as he and Tony made their way back to the wall, peeking into the kitchen. Steve’s design was nearly finished; it reminded Bruce of the Henna Tattoos he had seen while in India. Tony seemed likewise intrigued, and they stood silently; watching Steve transform spilled flour into an intricate pattern. 

Eventually, Steve finished, and stood, staring critically at the flour. It was then Tony stepped into the kitchen.  
“Hey, Cap, whatcha doing?”

Steve didn’t respond, lost in his world of creation, so Tony tried again, louder this time,

“Steve!”

“Wha-Huh? Oh, uh, hi.” Steve said, shaken from his ruminations, raising a hand sheepishly in greeting. “I was just, ah…well, I found it there,” Steve explained, pointing at the floor, “and so, I just kind of… And yeah…” Steve trailed off, gesturing vaguely. He was suddenly extremely interested in Clint’s Mockingjay pin magnet, the one hanging on the fridge.

“It’s fine, Steve. It’s just flour.” Tony said around a mouthful of cold pizza. He considered the design for a moment, “Y’know, this is really good, Steve.”

“Mmhmm, it looks really cool.” Bruce chimed in.

“You think so? Thanks.” Steve responded, exuding the bit of that artist’s pride he wasn’t able to subdue. 

Thor walked in then, “Greetings, friends!” he boomed, beaming. He stopped, looking down at Steve’s flour-art with a puzzled expression.

“Is this form of artwork a custom of Midgard?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... In case you didn't notice, I am an artist.


	3. Chapter 3

Characters: Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner  
Summary: Tony finds out the identity of the blonde we saw Steve make out with in Captain America: The First Avenger.

“OH MY GAAASH!”

“I’m sorry!”

The sudden loud noise startled Bruce from his book, and he looked over the back of the Common Room couch to see what had happened. Tony was power-walking through the room, looking shocked and horrified. A blushing Steve followed, looking embarrassed, guilty, and a little confused.

“I didn’t know she was your mother at the time! Actually, she wasn’t, so I don’t see what you’re getting so upset about; and it wasn’t like I had a relationship with her, all we did was-“

“Stop right there, mister!” Tony blurted out, plucking a banana from the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter and holding it out like a gun, “Not one more word!”

Bruce was lost, but the conversation was entertaining none the less, especially now that Tony was brandishing the banana threateningly.

“You’re the one who asked, Tony!”

“Yes, yes I did. And thank you for answering my question, Steve. Because now, I have seen the light. You know what, they shouldn’t let you be Captain America anymore. Captain America should be wholesome, and, and, he should save kittens from trees-”

“You’ve seen me-”

“Yeah, kittens are not the point Steve! That, I just, you, I can’t, sh-…GAAAH!”

And with that bit of eloquence, Tony stormed away.

Steve just stood there, mouth open as if he was going to speak, shaking his head in disbelief. He turned to Bruce questioningly.

“What did you do, Steve?” Bruce asked.

“I didn’t do anything! I…I kissed his mother once, back…before.” 

“What?” Bruce started to grin, he couldn’t help it.

“I didn’t know! He apparently found it hilarious that I had only ever kissed Peggy, and he called me Capsicle, and I got mad, and how was I supposed to know that Carbonell was his mother’s maiden name!?” By the time he finished, Steve’s voice had risen to a high-pitched whine, and Bruce was trying to keep his laughing to a minimum, but he was quickly getting hysterical. 

**** 

After the team had calmed down the Hulk, they naturally wanted to know what had upset Bruce.

“It wasn’t funny.” Tony groused, as the Hulk started laughing. It was a strange noise, a ‘ruk-ruk’ sound that came from deep within his throat. 

“You brought it on yourself, Stark.” Said Natasha, “No one is mean to a puppy without eventually getting theirs.”

“You know what’s sad?” Clint sighed, patting a distraught-looking Steve on the shoulder, “You probably finally gained his respect.”

The other Avengers, minus Tony and Hulk, hummed in agreement, and they lounged in the crater Thor and Hulk had made; just another Tuesday at Avengers Tower.


	4. Chapter 4

Characters: All the Avengers, Genderbent Natasha and Clint  
Summary: “Coffee, there’s no more coffee… Oh, (long string of profanity)”

Tony stumbled up the stairs to the Common Room kitchen, in desperate need of coffee after an all-night Science binge with Bruce. He was pouring his cup for thirty seconds before he realized no life-giving-elixir was coming out of the pot.

“J?” He asked sleepily.

“Yes Sir?” The cool, robotic, British voice of JARVIS responded.

“’Ow come you didn’t make coffee?”

“We currently have no more coffee powder in stock.”

“Wuzzat?” Tony asked, suddenly alert.  
“There is no coffee, Sir.”

Tony just stood there, dumbstruck, his throat constricting and making words impossible. Bruce walked in then. 

“Mmm, how come no coffee yet?” Bruce slurred, stretching his cramped limbs.

“We don’t have any.” Came the response; Tony’s voice was soft, like a child telling his playmate there was no more candy in the house. He turned to Bruce. They just stood and started at each other; Tony standing with the coffee pot clutched close to his chest, Bruce with his neck cocked to the left, his stretching forgotten.

“JARVIS?” Tony croaked, “Can we get more?”

“I am afraid the stores are closed, Sir, it is a holiday.”

The sound of a door slamming unfroze their shocked limbs. Alexi and Clair walked in, obviously back from a mission, judging by their appearance. Clair’s hair was dyed an ultramarine blue, and a purple bruise ran from her left temple down to her jaw, the color matching her hair quite nicely. Alexi looked much the same; a row of about four piercings on the end of his right eyebrow, a slight limp stemming from a sloppily-bandaged wound on his left ankle. They both wore an overabundance of leather.

“Moonlighting as punk rockers? SHIELD not paying enough?” Tony joked sarcastically, but with only half his usual verve.

Alexi fixed him with the SHIELD death-ray-glare, though it contained a less-than-normal amount of venom, as Alexi didn’t have the energy or the patience to deal with Tony at the moment. Clair ignored him completely, making a b-line for the kitchen. 

“Why are you holding the coffee pot?” she asked hoarsely, stopping in front of Tony and Bruce. 

“…We don’t have any more.” Whispered Bruce, dazed.

“We don’t have any more what?” Clair asked uncomprehendingly.

“Coffee.”

“What do you mean, we don’t have any coffee? We always have coffee, they’re like the Pop-Tarts, we always have them, what do you mean there’s no coffee?” Clair was whirling from Tony to Bruce, fighting down hysterics.

Tony looked down helplessly at the pot in his arms, “It’s a holiday, and we don’t have coffee powder anymore.”

Bruce and Tony were sure Clair would start yelling, or crying, or both. Instead, a squeak escaped her lips, and she dazedly walked to the large round kitchen table, dropping heavily into a chair. She rested her upper body on the table. A muffled, whimpering groan came from the disheveled blue-haired archer, who seemed to be melting onto the table. Alexi slid into the chair beside her, storm clouds building in his eyes, expression dark and foreboding. He rested the non-pierced side of his face on a fist, as Bruce and Tony sat down across from the two assassins. Bruce folded his hands on the table, 

“It’s okay. It’s just coffee.”

Alexi looked at the man, his expression darkening even more, something previously not thought possible. Clair whimpered in despair. Tony hugged the coffee pot closer.

**** 

Steve had joined their sorry group. Not being as addicted to caffeine as the others, he looked more put-out than wallowing in despair. He probably would have been able to go on with his day normally, but instead chose to stay at the melancholy table out of solidarity. 

**** 

Steve sat with his elbows on the table, head in his hands, looked more put out now. Most likely it was caused by Alexi snapping his charcoal and throwing his pad across the room like a Frisbee, instead of the lack of coffee. 

**** 

Tony groaned from his place on the floor; apparently his way of dealing with a lack of caffeine was turning the sarcasm on full-force; and apparently that clashed with Alexi’s. The spy had virtually no tolerance for anything anymore, and was putting his reflexes to good use. 

Tony’s predicament seemed to cheer Clair up a bit, though.

**** 

Steve apparently didn’t do well in a melancholy environment, and seemed to have gotten cranky by osmosis.

**** 

“Greetings, Friends!” The team had gotten used to Thor’s volume by now, but in their frazzled state, the sudden noise made them all jump, Clair had even drawn a knife from her boot. The Asgardian’s happy demeanor wasn’t helping, either.

Thor’s smile widened, “Why are you all sitting here in such a mood, ‘tis a glorious day outside, and Midgard is apparently experiencing a celebration; should not all of you be celebrating as well?  
Ow! What was that for?" Thor said, pulling the dart that Alexi had shot at him from his shoulder.

“You’re happy. Stop it.” Alexi growled, removing the gauntlet no one had seen him wearing under his leather trench coat. 

“No coffee.” Tony explained, frowning petulantly.

Thor’s shoulders drooped, and he sat down across from Steve, in between Clair and Tony, clearly not wanting to be anywhere near the agent-turned-grumpy-badger. 

“Verily, it is a sorry day indeed.”

“Uh-huh.” Came Clair’s muffled response.

**** 

The Avengers sat in a circle on the floor, the table and chairs either destroyed or stuck in a wall after the scuffle between Thor and Hulk. 

“Well, this is fun.” Tony said, feigning a happy tone. Hulk huffed in agreement, apparently appreciating Tony’s sarcasm.

**** 

They all either sat or lay down, sprawled in the mostly undamaged living room, angry in a befuddled sort of way. Steve sat leaning against the couch, arms lying at his sides, staring at the ceiling. Thor lay bruised and bleeding, face set in a pout, the Hulk sitting a little ways away, looking satisfied. Tony had managed to save the coffee pot in all the commotion, and huddled at Hulk’s side, looking traumatized. Alexi was sitting, leaning against the Television Console, glaring at an ottoman like it had deeply wronged him in some way. Clair’s head was in his lap, and she lay curled on her side; there was a very real possibility she would start crying.

Happy freakin’ holidays.

**** 

Coulson picked his way through rubble and broken furniture, heading for the Common Room.  
He looked at the destruction, and the Avengers that were strewn about the living room.

“JARVIS?”

“There was no more coffee, Sir.” If it was possible for an AI to sound helpless, JARVIS did.

Coulson sighed.

**** 

“Hello?” Coulson called. He figured it would be safer for him if he announced his presence before venturing into their midst. 

“Hi.” Bruce responded weakly, he had apparently de-Hulked and found pants in the time Coulson had been gone. Tony lay with his head in the other man’s lap. He stirred, and sat up, sniffing as he did. He exhaled, and looked at Coulson with a mixture of awe, disbelief, happiness, and reverence.

Coulson distributed the coffee he had pilfered from SHIELD amongst the Avengers- or, rather, he tentatively set the steaming cups in front of them. 

“You good here?”

“Mm-Hmm, thanks, Cheese.” Clair said between sips.

“Bless you!” Tony called as Coulson walked towards the elevator. 

The senior agent sighed. He did not need this. He did not.


	5. Chapter 5

Characters: Bruce Banner, Tony Stark, Jane Foster  
Summary: The Science Bros invite Jane to Science Night (Based off Tumblr post)

“Make sure to tell her that there will be food. Specify about the French Fries; everybody loves French Fries.” Bruce called, as Tony made his way to the elevator.

“Yes, mom, I will tell her about the potatoes.”

**** 

Tony found Jane in the living room of Thor’s floor, flipping through her journal with a furrowed brow.

“Hey, Jane, do you want to come to Science Night?”

Jane’s eyebrows came even closer together as she tried to focus on Tony and her journal at the same time. She had heard tell of these ‘Science Nights’, there were supposed to be potatoes….?

“Will there be potato?” She mumbled.

“Seven whole potato.” Whether Tony was mocking her distracted word use, or was genuinely talking like that, Jane couldn't tell. She closed her journal as she rose from the coffee table,

“Okay then. We ride at midnight, bring potato.”

Tony’s smile broadened, “I like you.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the Genderbent cast goes like this:
> 
> Baye Banner-Carla Gugino  
> Clair Barton-Olivia Wilde  
> Alexi Romanov-Maxwell Zagorski  
> Stephanie Rogers-Yvonne Strahovski  
> Thor-Jennifer Lawrence  
> Toni Stark-Mary Louise Parker
> 
> Ta-Da.

Characters: All Genderbent Cast of Avengers  
Summary: The Afemgers vs. Dinosaurs

“Yes, we-” Stephanie’s response to the reporter’s question was cut short by a loud, thrumming buzz. The Avengers and press all simultaneously looked to the left. There, in the middle of Central Park, a blue column of light flashed to the ground from a point high up in the sky.

“Thor…is that the Bifrost?” Baye asked tentatively.

“No…” Thor replied. Her eyes were on the portal, her hand going instinctively to the haft of Mjolnir, which was still in her belt.

After another moment of observation, Steph jumped into action, doing her best to herd the press away from the soon-to-be battlefield. 

“You owe me ten dollars.” Alexi said, seemingly unconcerned. After a moment, Clair sighed, reaching into her boot and handing her partner the money.

"You could look a little less smug, you know."

"I could, but I don't want to."

“OW!” Baye exclaimed suddenly, looking at Toni with a betrayed expression, rubbing a spot on her neck.

Toni didn’t seem the least bit phased, and made an and-so-on-and-so-forth motion with her hand. “Well, get a move on dear. The rest of us came to the press conference already in costume.”

“I will…‘get in costume’ when I am good and ready.” Baye replied, crossing her arms obstinately. She had a thing against being rushed to transform. 

A crash sounded from the area where the portal had been. A large crater now stood in its’ place.

“And how ‘bout now?” Toni withered slightly under Baye’s glare. “I’ll go stand over here then.” She said, moving her iron-clad self to stand next to Stephanie, who had since returned from guiding the press to safety.

“Well, I guess now we wait and see what we’re dealing with.” Steph sighed, turning to look in the direction of the smoking crater. Baye, who was now the Hulk, sat down with her legs crossed, her head in her hands, and a bored expression on her face. Thor stood next to her, feet spread apart and shoulders back in a perfect warrior’s stance. Which lasted all of five minutes, before she started pacing disinterestedly, tossing Mjolnir from one hand to the other.

Toni sighed, “Okay, how long are we going to wait for the alien-voodoo-minions to come out of the alien-voodoo-portal-crater?”

“Because, we don’t know what kind of alien-voodoo-minions are in the alien-voodoo-portal-crater, Toni. We can’t just go running into a fight without at least some kind plan. What?” Steph asked, prompted by Toni’s giggle.

“You said alien-voodoo.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake.”

“Wha- hooooold it. Hooooold on.” Clair caught everyone’s attention with her elongated vowels, “Is that… Is that a dinosaur?”

Toni gasped, and flipped down her mask, shooting into the air. After a few seconds, she landed again, bouncing like an excited seven-year-old.

“YES!” she said once she had flipped up her mask, grinning broadly. 

“Yes what?” Alexi asked.

“Yes! Yes! JARVIS says the crater is FUUUULL of dinosaurs! We get to fight dinosaurs!” Toni and Clair started jumping up and down and squealing like middle-schoolers over a crush. Alexi looked towards the crater, eyebrows raised. In Russian-spy-speak, that was equivalent to normal-people excitement. Hulk grinned in that way that meant she was getting ready to smash, and smash mightily. Thor groaned petulantly, throwing her head and shoulders back impatiently. 

Steph looked horrified that prehistoric reptiles were about to trample her beloved Central Park. She looked equally horrified by the other’s excitement. 

“No. No no no. This is not good. This is horrible. You think this is good?”

“Yes!” Toni answered, pumping a fist in the air.

“Wait a minute. Are we the only ones who think this is awesome?” Clair asked, confused.

“No!” Thor said eagerly, waiving a hand in the air.

“Okay. You know what? I give up. Raise a Velociraptor as your own, for all I care.” Steph said, throwing her hands in the air. 

“Oh, man. I’m calling Cheese. Lex! Lex, gimme the thing. Y’know, the thingy.” Clair said, ignoring Stephanie and depicting the ‘thingy’ with strange hand motions. Alexi apparently knew exactly what she meant, and procured a small phone, which Clair snatched from him, manically dialing Coulson’s number.

“Cheese! Cheese-Phil? Hold on- Thor! Stop fidgeting with Mjolnir, you’re messing with the reception!”

Thor, who had been jumping around like an impatient five-year-old, stopped and looked up at the building storm clouds. “Oh. Apologies.” She said, waiving Mjolnir in such a way that made the clouds start to abate.

“Thanks. Okay, Cheese. There are dinosaurs in Central Park. Yeah! I know! I know! I- no. I…no. Okay, fine, but Phil, dinosaurs! Okay. Bye.”

Clair handed the phone back to Alexi, who asked “What did he say?”

“He gave me paperwork.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Uh-huh.”

A loud roar sounded from the crater, accompanied by scuffling sounds that suggested the dinosaurs were starting to climb out of the crater. Seconds later, the head of an Apatosaurus came into view.

Steph adjusted her shield on her arm. “Well, I think we should get going. Guys?”

Everyone agreed, and started to move forward. Everyone except Thor and Hulk, who were sitting on the grass, dejectedly playing rock-paper-scissors. 

“Why are you guys sitting there? We got dinosaurs.” Toni asked, confused.

Baye and Thor glared, Baye’s hands frozen in a rock, Thor’s in a scissor. Baye finally spoke, “What, you guys done with your little conference over there?”

“Yeah, come on.” Toni answered.

“Really?” Baye replied, disbelievingly. 

“Yes.”

“Verily?” Thor asked, eyes beginning to sparkle.

“Yes! Come on!” Toni said, repeating the and-so-on-and-so-forth hand motion.

Baye and Thor looked at each other, before breaking into grins.

“HUZZAH!” Thor said, running forward with Baye, holding Mjolnir aloft.

“Well, there they go. Shall we?” Toni asked, shooting into the air as she did.

“For Narnia!” Clair yelled, holding her bow in the air majestically. Alexi rolled his eyes.

Stephanie ignored the crap out of all of them, and trudged toward the crater, hoping to minimize the damage to the Park.


	7. Chapter 7

Odin and Howard Stark get together one day, and decide to write a book. 

 

The title? 

 

‘How NOT To Parent

A guide to raising healthy children that are not dysfunctional alcoholics or intent on ruling the world.’

 

 

“An insightful, humorous read.”  
-The Daily Bugle


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mention this a lot here, as it is one of my personal headcanons, so, here we go.

Characters: Tony Stark, Jane Foster, Loki, Darcy Lewis, Other Avengers  
Summary: Tony explains the SHIELD-Death-Ray-Glare to the newcomers of the tower

Tony ignored the assorted groans of those present in the Common Room’s Living Room, and continued.

“Okay. Jane, Darcy. We all have our glares. I have a particular…unamused-eyebrow-quirking-deadpanning-glare, which Pepper can tell you all about. Steve’s… Steve’s is reminiscent of your mother giving you a disappointed, ‘you had so much potential’ kind of look, combined with the ‘why me?’ look a small puppy would give you after you kick it. He can also do a pretty scary, intimidating glare, but the Puppy one is actually more effective. Bruce doesn’t need a glare, because he has multiple personalities. ’Nough said. The Asgard Glare is actually worse than the SHIELD-Death-Ray-Glare. Thor’s is usually accompanied by thunder, and is pretty freakin’ intimidating. It cannot, however, hold a candle to Loki’s, which is absolutely terrifying. The Asgard Glare doesn’t happen that often though, whereas the SHIELD Glare is commonplace by now. It’s kind of an enigma. It’s…like a deadpanning, ‘shut up already’, ‘don’t ask, that’s classified’, withering, disapproving, 'you don't say, Sherlock'-like that. Exactly like that. Thank you for the visual aid, Agent Romanov.” 

Tony ignored the scoff.

“And there are different degrees of the Death-Ray-Glare. They go as follows, in order of least-to-greatest according to severity:  
Maria Hill. It’s scary, but in an ‘oh no, paperwork’ kind of way. If she wants to hurt you, there will be no glare, and you won’t see it coming.  
Agent Barton. You should be afraid, very afraid, because Agent Barton will not hesitate to hurt you. Doesn’t have much clout, but can hurt you.  
Agent Romanov. Only has a bit more influence than Barton, but has connections no one will ever know about. You also have no idea if you will be hurt, or in what way, so it’s a very intense, suspenseful fear.  
Phil Coulson. He can give you paperwork, or hurt you, or send you to the most remote corner of the world. It doesn’t induce the terror Romanov’s does, but should nevertheless be feared.  
Nick Fury. Nick Fury can hurt you in any way, anyhow in any place in the world. Nick Fury can find you anywhere you try to hide. Nick Fury's is the be-all-end-all of glares. The eye-patch doesn’t help. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the story of the SHIELD-Death-Ray-Glare.”

The room was silent, and then Darcy began to clap with gusto. Tony bowed with extreme dignity.


	9. Chapter 9

Characters: Steve Rogers, Thor, Genderbent Loki, Bucky Barnes, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner.  
Summary: Tony trolls the residents of the Tower that haven’t caught up yet.

Steve and Thor were alone in the Tower. Loki was somewhere, but was being antisocial as per usual, and the rest of the team was out on various errands, so it was just Steve and Thor.

It was fine for a while, they played poker, which Thor was surprisingly good at, and finally mastered the YouTube.

What Does the Fox Say was physically painful, so therefore, they found Loki and made her see it.

Hours and a few cat videos later, they heard a crash from the other room. Upon further investigation, it was one of Tony’s robots, which was apparently on the rampage. Not really on the rampage, but was clicking and whirring and charging them every once in a while.

Steve was pressed up into an alcove, shielding himself with his shield (no pun intended), and Thor had apparently run away.

**** 

“Tony, what are you doing?” Bruce asked, as he threw his jacket down on one of the hotel’s chairs, watching Tony giggle his ass off about something that was happening on his laptop screen. 

“You know, Bruce, sometimes, you just have to step back and appreciate that they don’t know what the hell is going on.” 

Bruce leaned over Tony’s shoulder, and stared at what looked like a Dalek in the Tower’s Common Room. Steve was peering around a wall at it, covering himself with his shield. On another screen, Thor was pushing a confused Loki towards the scene, seemingly hiding behind her.

“Tony, this is mean.”

“Yeah, I know.”

**** 

“Well, at least you brought reinforcements.” Steve called in an unamused voice.

Thor was half-crouching behind his sister, who had caught sight of the robot. She backpedaled, or tried to, but Thor was still pushing her forward, so they were locked in a state of immobility.

“Do something.” Thor whispered.

“Why don’t you do something?” She countered. “Hit it with Mjolnir.”

“We cannot, it may be imperative to Science!” 

“The one time you refuse to hit something with Mjolnir…”

“Guys! We have to do something with it!” Steve cut in.

“Well, what do you suggest?” Thor asked incredulously.

“We could turn it off…” Loki offered.

“I don’t think it turns off…” Steve said, peering at the robot.

It chose that moment to shoot fire at them. 

**** 

“You made it out of scraps and just made it look important, didn’t you?” Bruce asked disapprovingly.

“Yup.”

****

Thor ended up hitting it with Mjolnir, and then they were left with what to do with the remains.

**** 

Steve walked out of the elevator, pushing Bucky forward in much the same way Thor had done with his sister.

He was in his uniform and smelled like gasoline, and they all secretly wondered just what he had been doing for Fury.

“Aw, dammit, Steve, I thought you were talking about hiding a body.” Bucky said as he caught sight of what was left of the robot.

“Well, the last time Thor hit something with Mjolnir, Tony got very upset.” Steve replied.

 

They ended up wrapping it in a drop cloth and throwing it into the Hudson. 

Bucky stared down into the water from the bridge he and Steve were standing on, as they were the ones appointed to dispose if the carcass. He turned to Steve gravely, reverting back to the Brooklyn accent of their childhood.

“No one, and I mean no one, finds out what happened here, capishe?” 

“Shut up, Buck.”


	10. Chapter 10

Characters: The Avengers, Loki, Bucky Barnes, Batman  
Summary: Superheroes have issues and bad parents.

 

Tony: Oh, please, Howard Stark didn’t even like me.

Bruce: Well, he loved your mom.

Tony: No he didn’t-

Bruce: Did he kill her?

Tony: ...No…

Bruce: Well, then that right there is love.

Tony: Fine. You win. But he was still a drunk and distant.

Clint: Ha! I see your Howard and raise you one Harold Barton: a drunk and abusive.

Steve: I had no problems with my mother. I mean, my father wasn’t that great, but my mother was amazing.

Tony: …Didn’t she die?

Steve: (looks at the floor dejectedly) Yeah, yeah she did…

(Natasha doesn't get to play because she doesn't remember her parents.) 

Loki: At least you were aware you didn't have parents.

Thor: They ARE your parents!

Loki: No one asked you!

Thor: I’m not denying Odin is a bilgesnipe, but they are your parents…

Loki: Again, no one asked you!

Bucky: (Shrugs) …I liked my parents…

Tony: Gloat, why don’t you? …And why is it that, aside from premature death, the senior citizens had good parents?

Bucky: (Adopts a High-School-girl ‘I’m better than you’ manner) Because, we had wholesome Depression-era parents. Get over it.

Batman: At least you all had parents…

Clint: How is he here? What, did the Doctor bring him to our universe in the TARDIS?

Tony: Yeah, Batman, you don’t even go here!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaa-aaack. Sorry for the lack of updates--I've had varying feels, and I follow those like a scent hound.

 

 

Relationships: Jacqueline Barnes/Steve Rogers

Characters: Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Rule 63 Bucky

Summary: Pretty-Pretty Shiny-Shiny can be used as both a noun and a verb.

 

 

 

Tony sighs, tapping out a drumbeat onto his knees with two pens—fine point, of course, because he’s an idiosyncratic son of a bitch, and he likes _thin lines_. He’s still muddling through a concussion gained during the last team mission, so he’s benched while the rest of the Little League team is at bat. Which is fine; he’s kept himself busy. (Bored. Tony’s been bored for a while now.) Meanwhile, Steve’s psycho killer is out cold on the couch.

 

They fight aliens and terrorists and whatnot on a regular basis—it stands to reason someone’ll get hurt at one time or another. Not to say that makes it any easier on the person who gets hurt or the people waiting to see if they’ll live or die, but it does make sense. What _doesn’t_ make sense, is how Tony—through an injury of his own, or some other chain of events—is always the one around to take point on the recovery. Thus, Tony sits concussed in the La-Z-Boy in the Common Room that Bruce has unofficially claimed, and the Winter Soldier lies recovering on the couch.

 

Tony doesn’t exactly know what happened to her, except that she had been on a mission for Fury, and that she’s recovering from a severe abdominal injury that had required an abhorrently long surgery to correct. Which Steve had stayed up for, adding to the fourteen hours he’d already been awake, sitting in the waiting room on the level the Helicarrier devoted to its medical wing, like a sleep-deprived version of the sad Labrador from the don’t drink and drive commercial. Tony had heard the words ‘AIM’, ‘and then the chainsaw’, and ‘Pathogen 42’ bandied about between Steve and Hill, and decided he was fine not knowing much.

 

Of all his charges, Barnes is actually the least interesting, though it’s not exactly her fault; whatever version of the Serum HYDRA had given her comes with a sort of biological failsafe that activates when her body receives a particularly severe injury, making it effectively shut down, so it can heal as quickly and efficiently as possible.

 

(And the entertaining bits usually come from the reactions to pain medications, anyway: Natasha keeps up a nearly constant stream of Russian, chatty and—dare Tony say it—pleasant; Clint usually flies higher than a kite no matter what you have him on, so the results vary, but are usually as amusing as Clint suddenly finds the world. Steve is usually quietly dazed; watching the world with wide eyes like it’s doing something weird and fascinating, whatever he does say coming in either an impossibly thick Brooklyn accent or Irish, it depends. Thor whines; Sam is _fine_ , really; Bruce likes company, even though he never asks; and the Hulk likes someone to pet his hair. And yes, it _is_ prudent to read the fine print when you join a Super-Secret Boy Band of any kind.)

 

In any case, when the team had been called away and Tony had been once again assigned to playing nurse, Steve had made him promise things.

 

“Just…just don’t do anything,” Steve had said.

 

“I know, I know—no concussed science. Believe it or not, I did learn my lesson with the Laser Fiasco,” Tony had replied.

 

“No, I mean, to the arm. Don’t…put stickers on it. Promise me.”

 

“I— Why would I put stickers on it?”

 

Steve had just watched him, eyebrows raised in question.

 

“…I promise,” Tony had said, his inflection agreement enough of his capabilities.

 

“And no magnets,” Steve had continued. “Or decals, or washable tattoos, or mustachio tape, or any decorative tapes. And no doodling in marker—or writing dirty jokes in said marker—or any other medium. And definitely don’t… _Science_ with it—and no, you haven’t learned from the Laser Fiasco.”

 

“Ye of little faith.”

 

“Of none. None whatsoever. And don’t blaspheme.”

 

Tony had sighed, and promised.

 

He had promised, _but_ —he had promised verbatim. And Steve had forgotten BeDazzling.


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

Characters: The Avengers, Bucky, Sam, Fury, Hill, Coulson, Pepper, Loki

Summary: Motivations.

 

 

 

Thor: (holds Mjolnir aloft) For Asgard!!

 

Loki: (tries his damnedest to squirm out of his brother’s grasp).

 

Tony and Bruce: For Science!!

 

Pepper: Science doesn’t require you to touch the art collection, dammit! I— No, I don’t care what Hitler did, you don’t have conspiracy paintings!

 

Fury: (shrugs) Someone’s gotta do it. And…I like the coat—but if you tell anyone that, I’ll reassign you to Patagonia.

 

Hill: Of course not, Sir.

 

Phil: We’re here to make the world a better place. SHIELD can’t do that on it’s own—it needs personnel. Good personnel.

 

Clint: (distractedly, as he eats popcorn-flavored jellybeans) Y-hmm.

 

Natasha: (gives not a single fuck as she bounces a tennis ball off the wall).

 

Steve: I agree with Phil. Someone has to help and we’re in a good position to do some good.

 

Sam: (shrugs) Hey, don’t look at me; I do what he does, just…slower.

 

Bucky: Uh-uh, fuck you, I’m done.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sequel to the last chapter.

 

 

 

Characters: The Avengers, Bucky, Sam, Fury, Hill, Coulson, Pepper, Loki

Summary: Motivations, Part Two: Aftermath. OR, Phil is the only sane one.

 

 

 

(The Avengers and co. sit in the ruins of the Parthenon, fresh smoke billowing around them)

 

Phil: (looks worriedly and guiltily at the damage) This is going to take massive amounts of paperwork…

 

Clint: (mumbling, as he watches Natasha bounce the tennis ball she has somehow held onto against a pillar) Yeah…

 

Phil: No, no, not yeah. Not yeah! A lot of that paperwork is yours! I’m not doing it! Not again!

 

Clint: Yeah…

 

Phil: I’m _not_!

 

Natasha: (gives not a single fuck as she bounces a tennis ball off a pillar).

 

Loki: (sits in brooding silence, then suddenly—) The one time you refuse to hit something with Mjolnir!

 

Thor: It was ancient! At one point, people worshiped these Olympians!

 

Loki: Well, at one point, they worshiped _you_ , so I don’t think we should put much stock in their decision-making skills!

 

Natasha: (throws the tennis ball at Loki’s head instead).

 

Tony: (into his cellphone) Yeah. I know. I know—Pep, I _know_ , I’m sorry. I’ll—I’ll replace the damn collection! …I mean…I’ll replace the wondrously precious collection. I love art. I live and breathe it, I swear. Oookay. Bye.

 

Hulk: (gives Tony a sympathetic smile, before going back to his sunning).

 

Tony: (returns the smile dryly, before catching sight of Fury and Hill) …Why are you two even _here_?

 

Fury: (shrugs).

 

Hill: I don’t like Patagonia.

 

Tony: …That makes no sense.

 

Natasha, Clint, Coulson, and Hill, simultaneously: It will.

 

Bucky: (enters the Parthenon, wearing an incredulous expression that may or may not be amused).

 

Bucky: (proceeds to place the truly insane amount of take-out containers he brought with him on the floor, kicking aside bits of rubble as needed).

 

Bucky: (sits down next to Steve)

 

Bucky: …Your ideas are getting progressively stupider.

 

Steve: Stupider isn’t a word.

 

Bucky: That isn’t the point. And it’s true.

 

Steve: It is not—

 

Bucky: Not knowing how to fly a damn plane? Zip lining onto a train? Jumping out of a plane in enemy territory? _Never_ using parachutes? Fighting Frank Howard behind a movie theatre with a trash can lid? Putting chewing gum in John Santorini’s hair because he pulled Mary Johnson’s? The decision that resulted in your altar boy dress getting set on fire?

 

Steve: It’s not a _dress_ —

 

Bucky: _Hitler_?

 

Steve: (concedes).

 

Sam: Hitler? What was Hitler?

 

Steve: Nothing. Nothing was Hitler.

 

Bucky: Well, he never did get around to actually _punching_ Hitler…

 

Steve: Nothing happened! Bucky, dammit—

 

Bucky: (ignores Steve and finishes calmly) …But he did manage to flash him once.

 

Tony: Wait, what?

 

Steve: (covers his face with his hands).

 

Bucky: So did Carter, actually.

 

Clint: Huh.

 

Phil: (accepts this new knowledge about his idol with middling humor).

 

Tony: Again, what?

 

Steve (yells, voice a few octaves higher than normal) Well so did Howard!

 

Bucky: So?

 

Steve: (watches the floor) …My ideas are getting progressively stupider.

 

Bucky: Thank you.

 

Clint: (individually slurps strands of the Lo Mein Bucky brought).

 

Natasha: (eats a slice of the mushroom pizza, starting with the crust).

 

Fury and Hill: (proceed to share a carton of Bourbon Chicken, wielding their chopsticks expertly).

 

Phil: ……Why are we ignoring the fact that we destroyed the Parthenon?

 

Loki: (holds out a carton of take-out).

 

Thor: Fear not, Son of Coul, and eat your sub.

 

Tony: (provocatively licks a Turbo Rocket Popsicle, eyeing Steve with undulating eyebrow movements).

 

Steve: (quietly, as he pointedly ignores Tony) Why did you even tell them that, Buck?

 

Sam: Because he’s a damn gift to mankind, that’s why.

 

Bucky: And the only idiot who had enough sense not to expose myself to Nazis.

 

Steve: Yes, fine, you were Hermione to our Ron and Harry, we get it.

 

Bucky: I’m not wrong! Howard was an idiot, and Peggy was your enabler!

 

Steve: Fine. …And why do you remember _that_?

 

Bucky: _Someone_ needed to have the ammunition to stop you.

 

Phil: …The Parthenon? Anyone? This— It’s thousands of years old, we… Can—can we please address this?

 

Hulk: (pats Phil comfortingly on the shoulder).

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten points to gryffindor to whoever catches the Lord of the Rings quote.

Summary: Bruce Banner--agent of SHIELD  
Characters: Bruce

 

Mostly, Bruce accompanies the team on missions big enough to require the Other Guy. If not, he helps from headquarters, or studies things the rest of the team bring back in his lab, sometimes with Tony. 

But in all honesty, it's safer to just send him into the field by himself. 

It takes him a while to grow comfortable enough with the level of control he has over the Other Guy to work with the team, but even then, when Fury came to him with his proposition, Bruce thought it was a horrible idea. Too many variables. 

But Fury had a speech prepared about ease of infiltration, how many agents' lives had been lost trying to get into places he could just walk through the doors of, how valuable an asset he could be. 

Fury was persistent, and eventually, Bruce agreed. 

His first mission, he was apprehensive, but it went well. By now, he's used to it. Kinda good at it. It's interesting; being in the field, just Bruce, not the Hulk. 

 

******

 

Bruce waits for his flash drive to load the information he was sent to acquire. A brave few of the facility's guards are grouped about the doors to the computer room, looking confused and afraid. 

Bruce chews on the straw of his frappuccino as he hears footsteps approaching. "What do you think you are doing?" demands the facility's Evil Mastermind in a lightly accented voice. 

"Downloading your stuff," Bruce replies, not taking his eyes off the screen of the computer he's working at. 

He can feel Evil Mastermind silently spluttering behind him. "This information is not yours for the taking!"

"Yeah, I know, I have no power here," Bruce mutters absently, tapping the computer mouse as it asks him what he wants to do with particular bits of data. 

"You do not!" Evil Mastermind shouts. "This is MY facility! I will give you one chance to leave, before I have you removed!"

Bruce wonders which one of Evil Mastermind's guards is going to agree to escort him off the premises like a security guard removing a shoplifter from a mall. He sighs. Takes a sip of his frappuccino, puts it down on the desk. 

He swings his swiveling office chair around to face the group in a fast, fluid motion, and all those assembled flinch explosively. Bruce would put money on the likelihood of the blonde guy in the corner going into cardiac arrest. He stands up just as abruptly, and they all flinch again, backpedaling into each other. When he starts to stride towards them, glaring, fists clenched at his sides, Evil Mastermind pushes past his employees to make it out the door, the guards tripping over each other as they try to all squeeze through the doorway at once. 

Bruce makes as if to follow them through the doorway, but he doesn't, just closes and locks the door behind them. He goes back to the desk, searching through a few drawers before he finds post-it's and a pen with ink. 

He leaves a note that reads, 'A hostile environment reduces workplace productivity', retrieves his finished flash drive and frappuccino, and goes to unlock the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can pry this headcanon from my cold lifeless fingers.


End file.
